State flags currently hold the coveted title of being the very least important thing in my life. Not only is it totally unnecessary for a state to even have a flag, most of them are so random and poorly conceived that you wonder why they bother continuing to display these embarrassing wastes of fabric. If you want to design a state flag of your very own, give an eight year-old a pack of markers and tell them to spend twenty minutes drawing an Indian and an eagle. The ensuing flag will probably make about twice as much sense as some of the flags shown below (Oklahoma, I'm looking in your direction!).
Since I've always been a big supporter of lists, I will now provide a list of the twenty worst state flags. Please note that the other thirty state flags are also completely retarded, but I worried that if I showed more than twenty flags somebody would kill themselves. Let's begin the festivities with this little charmer from Maine:
This might have been a pleasant depiction of a moose lazily grazing near a running stream if the guy to the left wasn’t psychotically caressing the scythe of Death and scaring the hell out of me. And if you want to mess with him, first you'll have to go through the dangerous-looking sailor to the right. The message is clear: Stay the fuck out of Maine.
This is the flag of Delaware, the Forgotten State. I think they made this flag assuming that nobody would ever really look at it, since nobody lives in Delaware. Basically, they just pasted a bunch of random clipart images together and wrote a random date on the bottom. Good one, Delaware. I like the green jet plane that's about to crash into that cow.
Union, Justice and … confidence? What? Hey Louisiana, how about Union, Justice and some fucking sense! I don't know why a stork feeding its children is represented in this flag, but it clearly is. Louisiana, you so crazy!
Montana indeed! Notice how in this intriguing picture, absolutely nothing is going on. All you can see are a bunch of large and small trees lined up in retarded fashion. Nothing makes me not want to ever enter Montana more than this flag.
I like the Washington state flag better when it was called the one dollar bill. Not only is Washington’s rectangular-ass face staring at us exactly like he does in the dollar, the background here is even green. I think if you shrank the flag down and put it in your wallet you could probably use it to purchase a can of Coke and nobody would notice the difference.
Here we see a bunch of animals engaged in a staring contest around a symbol of a man getting ready to shoot them. The word Tuebor is located in the center, which in case you didn’t know is Latin for “Huh?”
Dear God, somebody do
something, the bird is chocking on that banner! But what's even more
strange is that the
bird is apparently standing on the tombstone of somebody who lived from 1868 to
1818. Notice how that's impossible.
But what's even more strange is that the bird is apparently standing on the tombstone of somebody who lived from 1868 to 1818. Notice how that's impossible.
The Pennsylvania state flag is essentially the Michigan state flag, except instead of elk there are horses putting their feet on some random symbol. I don’t want to know which state copied which, but I think that if you’re going to plagiarize, at least do it with something at least slightly non-retarded. I mean, would you sit next to the dumbest kid in school during a test and copy his answers? Well Pennsylvania/Michigan would. Could they really not think of their own lame idea? Like what about an Indian fishing while an eagle is sitting on a pirate ship? Guess what, Pennsylvania, I just thought of that. It took me about five seconds. Considering you’re an entire fucking state, I think you could spend at least that long thinking up your own idea.
This flag boldly proclaims that it is the “great seal” of the state of Florida, but that might be a generous description considering how they literally just stole the Alabama flag and drew an Indian over it. In the background we can see Columbus’ ship coming in; presumably they are preparing to push the Indian into the water and steal his land. A great seal indeed, Florida!
There is nothing misleading about this flag: If you go to Vermont, an elk chilling next to a pine tree is about all you’re going to see. Please note how there are three random yellow objects lined up toward the left. I think these symbolize freedom somehow.
If there’s one thing the great republic of California is known for, it’s grizzly bears, and this flag doesn't hide that well-known tidbit. The red star to the top left symbolizes the fact that this flag's artist only had seven minutes to come with an idea and he needed to draw something else besides a bear.
7. New York
It’s another great day for carrying a pole with a hat on it, says the girl on the left. Not so, says the girl on the right--she’s more interested in stabbing an eagle with a sword while blindfolded and holding a scale which is weighing absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, the eagle is just trying to figure out what he's supposed to be doing in yet another retarded state flag.
Here we see a pilgrim and an Indian preparing to make out in this highly controversial state flag. Kentucky's motto is that we should get along with the Indians--get along real well.
Hey Indian, look out! Somebody's about to slice your head off with a sword!
Unlike Kentucky, Massachusetts is clearly proud
of its history of killing off all the natives, and they decided to commemorate
all that violence in this sickening state flag. Shame on you, Massachusetts!
Unlike Kentucky, Massachusetts is clearly proud of its history of killing off all the natives, and they decided to commemorate all that violence in this sickening state flag. Shame on you, Massachusetts!
Refusing to allow their flag to conform to a normal geometric shape, Ohio stands out as being particularly retarded. Each of the seventeen stars symbolizes a time in which a governor of Ohio got his ass kicked for running a lame state. I think their state motto is: “Ohio: The place you have to drive through to get somewhere decent.”
3. West Virginia
Here we see two frightening pilgrims posing near a tombstone which, as near as I can tell, has the word “Kids” written on it. I think these two pilgrims shot and killed their children, and West Virginia made the wise decision to honor that in their flag. Hey, I got an idea! How about I never go to West Virginia again, you sick bastards!
A leafy branch and a rolling pin with a pipe stuck to one end and a brown chain dangling off the other are both resting on a beige circle that’s covered with plus signs, feathers and tiger stripes. The symbolism here is obvious: Liberty. Insane, random liberty.
Ah yes, who could forget Virginia’s legendary Roman history? For those of you who don’t know, Virginia is the very first state and was settled by the Roman Empire in 12 B.C. Today Roman history is intrinsically related to the great state of Virginia, and that’s why this flag makes so much fucking sense.
There you have it! Virginia has the worst state flag, and--whoops, look at the time! It's time to head back to eKarjala.