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9-27-00

You know what doesnít make any sense? Political cartoons from the late 1800ís. Theyíll be, like, this drawing of a giant Uncle Sam walking over the White House, and heíll be carrying a scale in one hand and wearing a hat thatís shaped like the Statute of Liberty, and the words "Is this progress?" will be written on his shoulder. Then the caption will be something like "íEm dang carpet-baggers íer takiní ovír, sir." Theyíre called "cartoons," but who the hell thinks theyíre funny? "Oh, ha, ha, ha! Them carpet-baggers are up to their old tricks! What a great cartoon."

As an aside, Iíd like to thank all those who have signed my Guestbook, including the one who called me a gangsta and wants me to state my name. As per request: "Eric Karjala." And now if I may turn the tables around to this person with a request of my own: "State Ďyo name, gangsta."

9-22-00

Many of my classes are, shockingly, quite boring. Psychology 101, or, as I call it, "The Incredible Two-hour Crossword Puzzle Bonanza," is especially so. And then you have ISS 220--I still donít know what thatís supposed to stand for--and JRN 108, which I had a test in today. Finally, thereís calculus, but I recently dropped that class after having been voted off. I suspect that they decided to get rid of me after I didnít help making the little island hut, but who can be sure with those conniving bastards making all sorts of crazy alliances?

After having dropped calculus, I now need to go get one extra class credit to have a full 12-credit schedule, which is needed if Iím to be an official "full-time" student. Therefore, I must go find some loophole bogus shame course where I donít have to do anything.

Speaking of cafeteria food, many people have strong feelings about what they serve here. While I donít mind their main meals, such as "chunks of crap," and "crappy chunks of crap that are crappy and chunky," the one thing that pisses me off is that, at the little cereal counter, they have CapíN Crunch--without Crunch Berries. Now, why anyone would buy a Berry-less CapíN Crunch at the same prices as the CapíN Crunch with Berries is beyond me. "Oh, please, donít give me delicious Crunch Berries at no extra cost! I could not stand all that rush of flavor--just give me plain CapíN Crunch." Itís like, what the hellís wrong with you? I mean, weíre talking Crunch Berries here.

Another thing Iíve discovered is that Apple Jacks do taste like apple. All these years Iíve been avoiding them, assuming theyíd not taste like what their name suggests because of what those little punks in the commercials say, when theyíve actually tasted like apples all along. Some old guy walked past me as I was eating them and was like, "You kids and your Apple Jacks. They donít even taste like apples!" I said, "You know, itís people like you who really piss me off. Get out of my sight."

9-20-00

By Friday, I'll have had three tests in as many consecutive days, with a fourth test next Tuesday. In a humorous turn of events, I discovered that I had lost my notebook containing all my notes for three of those four classes, and I hadn't studied for any of the tests yet. On the upside, this means I wonít be able to study for three of my tests, as I have nothing to study. Meanwhile, on the downside, it also means that Iíll fail all my classes, get kicked out of college and be forced to play an out-of-tune harmonica to people on the street for empty pop bottles for the rest of my life. Iíd say thatís a fair trade off, as studying is lame.

Actually, I really did lose my notebook containing my notes for three of my classes. Itís hard to tell if Iím serious or not, isnít it?

Last night I had my training for becoming an Usher at MSUís Breslin Center. The people training us were all, "There are three rules of Ushering. Number one: Donít tell anybody about ushering. Number two: Donít tell anybody about ushering. And number three: If this is your first time ushering, you will be ushering tonight." As I recall, we then had to pour lye over our hands until it scarred.

Anyway, there remains yet one more things I must say today. About five to ten years ago, the M&M company decided to add a new color M&M, and asked people to vote on which color they wanted out of the choices pink, purple and blue. Since blue is the average Americanís favorite color, and since neither pink nor purple are as statistically popular, the result was, as could be predicted, that they added the blue M&M. But thereís something they didnít tell us, those wily bastards: In the process of adding a new color, they took away light-brown. When I first opened a bag of M&Ms with the new color, I was immediately appalled. Those double-crossing hooligans had bamboozled me for the last time, I vowed. Never again would I be tricked. Never again would they take away an M&M color without asking. Damn you, blue M&M. Damn your delicious chocolaty interior and crispy outer shell.

Since then, Iíve not seen a sign of the light-brown M&M. Not even in special "holiday-themed" bags. Rest in piece, light-brown M&M. Your kind shall not be forgotten.

9-13-00

They had me working parking for the game last Saturday, so I was at this intersection wearing a little "Parking" blazer and stopping anyone from trying to park in the appartment complex behind me. Basically, all I had to do was check if they had a permit on their windshield, and then let them through if they did, or send them away if they didn't, unless they could come up with a decent excuse. Man, if I came up to myself while driving my car looking for a place to park, I'd be so damned pissed if I got sent away. "What the hell do you mean I can't park here, you tool? Let me through."

Additionally, I'm going to be an Usher at the Breslin Center, which is the MSU basketball arena. This is another "tool" job, where I have to kick people out of their seats if they don't have the proper ticket. I've really got to stop getting these jobs where people are supposed to get pissed off at me.

9-5-00

You know what I hate? When somebody, without warning, doesn't update their little webpage for, like, a month. I went to this one website, I believe it was called "eKoojarla," and found that it hadn't been updated since August 7th. To be honest, that's irresponsible, and even a little lame.

In other news, I've started going to "college" at Michigan State. Apparently, I'm supposed to study and go to classes, though I've not found out for sure if this is true. Also, I got a job working security for all the Michigan State home football games. It was a bad call on whoever hired me's part to get me working security, because I'm not about to stop anyone from doing anything. "Uh, sir, do you think you could put that sniper rifel away, please?" "No, actually I'd rather not." "Alright, your call. Just be careful."

At this Michigan State pep rally thing I had to go to, there was this group singing called "The Three Men and a Tenor." When they told us to cheer for something or other, they seemed dissatisfied with everyone's effort. They were all, "Come on now! You people are clapping like you're from . . . oh, I don't know . . . Ann Arbor!" and everyone was all, "Ohhhhh!" After booing Ann Arbor, I then realized that I was from Ann Arbor, and shouted, "Hey, you suck, Three Men and a Tenor!" OK, so I didn't shout that. But if I ever see them on the street, there going to have to change their name to "One man, a Cripple, and a Tenor With a Broken Ankle."