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I recently watched a movie called Stigmata, which is about a woman who is suffering from some sort of Jesus disease that causes her to receive wounds for no apparent reason. After receiving these injuries, she usually runs into a busy street and starts screaming like a maniac before one of her friends tackles her and drags her to the sidewalk. This cycle of being wounded and then running into traffic repeats about four or five times throughout the movie before some guy finds an old scroll written by Jesus and then she stops receiving mysterious injuries resembling the crucified body of Christ. I didnít really understand this movie, but I did think it was funny that she kept running into traffic. ďAh! My face is bleeding for no reason! Now I have to go run into traffic!Ē

None of this is truly relevant to anything, but I wanted to mention it because it reminded me of how Iíve never really been physically injured in my entire life. This is my greatest regret. Occasionally Iíll see somebody with a cast over their arm, or somebody hobbling along on crutches, or somebody strutting around with a black eye, and Iíll just get really jealous. In my entire life history, Iíve never gotten wounded in any way. Iíve never broken or even sprained a single bone and Iíve never needed stitches, and in fact the last time I was the patient of a hospital I was being born. Iím either very durable or a big wuss. While not receiving injuries may sound like a good thing, you must consider the fact that I have no stories to tell about fantastic bicycle accidents, or about falling off of trees, or about having knife fights in the street. The single scar I have is a small one on the side of my right hand, but that doesnít count because I was only a small baby when it happened. Apparently, as I was still learning how to keep my balance while standing up, my parents thought that it might be a good idea to let me run around the room with a glass bottle in my hand, and eventually I fell down and the bottle broke. Iím currently looking into whether or not this incident can be considered a form of child abuse, but I do know that it doesnít count as a viable injury.

People with injuries really piss me off. Theyíll hobble up to you on crutches with their leg all up in a cast and just look at you, waiting for you to ask what happened to them. Then you have to just roll your eyes and say, ďOK, what happened?Ē Theyíll say, ďWell, I was skiing in Vermont while you werenít doing anything cool at all, and then my leg broke while I was being awesome. Want to sign my cast?Ē Itís like, alright, you went skiing in goddamned Vermont and were being extreme. Do you have to rub it in with your broken leg? Iíd really like to kick these peopleís asses.

Iím very bitter about this. If you ever see me on the street, feel free to sneak up behind me with a baseball bat and bash my shoulder. That would be sweet.

By the way, I'm just kidding. Don't really do this. I'm going to be very angry with you if you bash my shoulder in with a baseball bat.


I used to hate when people said something was ďthe greatest thing since sliced bread.Ē I was always like, ďSliced bread? What the hellís so great about bread that is cut into slices? You take some bread, and then you slice it. Big goddamned deal.Ē Then I actually had some sliced bread, and let me tell you, I take that all back--itís some good shit. With this ďsliced bread,Ē you can have sandwiches, toast, French toast--you name it. The entire bread world is opened up for your dining consumption. In my opinion, nothing will ever be greater than sliced bread. Now I know why ducks are so into it.

Saying ďthis is the greatest thing since sliced breadĒ is but one of the many old sayings that people use in their every day life. What many people donít realize is that almost all of these old sayings are really retarded. As proof of this, I will now list several of them and rate them on a scale of one to five dollar signs, with five dollar signs being the least retarded.

ďNever look a gift horse in the mouth.Ē Since Iíve never personally received a gift horse, I canít say whether or not this is good advice, but it sounds pretty solid. Horses would probably bite you if you looked at them in the mouth, or maybe spit on you. I really donít know that much about horses. Rating: $$$

ďThe proof is in the pudding.Ē This one doesnít even make any sense. Where is this magical pudding of theirs? And what proof are they even talking about? Iíve never heard of a lawyer saying to a judge, ďYour honor, to prove that Timmy didnít murder Sam, Iíd like to call my first witness: A batch of pudding.Ē Rating: $

ďEarly to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.Ē Iíve noticed that the earlier I wake up, the more money I have and, additionally, I tend to be smarter on those days. However, it burns when I pee no matter what I time I wake up, so I donít think it makes me healthier. Either way, this saying gets an extra point for rhyming. Rating: $$$$

ďA bird in hand is worth two in the bush.Ē Apparently, the bird exchange rate is very confusing. What I want to know is, if you have a bird in your hand, but your hand is in a bush, approximately how much is your bird worth? Also, what makes you think I even want a little bird? Iíd rather leave it in the goddamned bush. Rating: $$

ďThe early bird gets the worm.Ē This statement is probably pretty true (unless the bird is trapped in your hand), but youíve got to think that the early worm is just going to get eaten by the early bird. However, my real problem with this saying is that I think many birds are taking the advice. Thereíre outside my window every morning at about 4:30am, keeping me awake with their musical chirping. Iím always like, ďSeriously, guys, chill out. Theyíll be worms at 1pm. Get some sleep.Ē Rating: $$

ďA picture is worth a thousand wordsĒ I think this statement was first made by painters who were going poor because nobody wanted to buy their stupid paintings. They started going up to people and saying, ďOh, look at my picture! Did you know that pictures are worth ... about, uh, one thousand words?Ē Thatís good and fine, but how much is a thousand words worth? They donít tell you. This saying should have been, ďA picture is worth ten thousand dollars.Ē Rating: $

ďAn apple a day keeps the doctor away.Ē This saying means that, if you throw an apple at a doctor, he wonít go near you. Iíve never tried this, but since it rhymes, you know that it has to be at least partially accurate. If you want to attempt this, I recommend throwing the apples at their eyes to blind them, and then running. Rating: $$$$$

ďWhen it rains, it pours.Ē This statement is the stupidest thing that anybody could ever hope to say. I mean, it isnít even true: What if it rains lightly? What then? It would be raining, and yet it wouldnít really pouring, which neatly disproves the whole idea. This saying would be similar to somebody stating, ďWhen itís 80 degrees, itís 100 degrees.Ē Itís like, no it isnít. Rating: $

ďDonít put all your eggs in one basket.Ē Iíve never really owned a basket, so this advice doesnít really apply to me. However, if I did own a basket, and if for some reason I had a strange compulsion to put eggs in it, I probably wouldnít put all of them in. It would just get too heavy, and some of the eggs might fall out of the basket. Iíd buy a few extra baskets just to be safe. Rating: $$$$

ďDonít count your chickens until they hatch.Ē This was probably made by the same guy who said the egg/basket thing. My objection to many of these statements is that theyíre so negative. I mean, I canít count my chickens until they hatch, I canít put all my eggs in a basket, I canít look a gift horse in the mouth. Itís like, what the hell can I do? Can I go downstairs and eat a Pop-Tart right now, or is that against they rules, too? Is there some saying that says ďDonít eat Pop-Tarts on ThursdaysĒ? Screw that. Rating: $$


This past week I went to Florida, which you might remember as being the state that ruined the entire country during last yearís election. Florida is also home to the fire ant: natureís asshole. These are ants that, in addition to being stupid, have also developed the ability to be extremely mean, thanks in no small part to natural selection. The human equivalent to a fire ant would be somebody who walked up to everybody they saw and just punched them right in the face. Fire ants donít care whether you pose a threat to them or not, they just want to bite you. Itís their favorite thing to do. Iím not OK with that.

According to recent studies, Florida is also really, really hot. This makes it an ideal place to go to, as you donít have the energy to do anything but go swimming all day. I much prefer this to the cold winters of Michigan, because being cold gets old real, real fast. Snowís pretty cool when youíre about seven years old and want to make a little fort, but after that you donít have the patience for any that nonsense. Thereís nothing cool about being cold.


Congratulations to everybody who graduated from high school this past week. Now instead of going to classes and taking tests in high school, youíll be going to classes and taking tests in college. Itís way different. To give you some hot college advice, Iíll refer to my ďBeen There, Shouldíve Done ThatĒ college tip book which I received at orientation last summer and have been keeping in pristine, unread condition. According to the authorís advice on choosing courses, you should ďsit in on a class the term before or stand outside the classroom and talk to students as they come out.Ē Actually, donít do this. Youíd probably just embarrass yourself and waste your time. Good luck!

Speaking of high school, I was reflectively looking over my senior yearbook the other day. For some reason, not only do I look like I just woke up in every picture that has ever been taking of me and put in a yearbook, I also look like Iím about to kill somebody. While it is usually true that I just woke up, Iíve never planned to kill anybody during the taking of any of these pictures. So what the hellís wrong with me? Itís like, Christ, at least you could smile for two goddamned seconds.

These days, I have a new policy of smiling for every picture that is ever taking of me from now on. Since this is a personal webpage, Iíve taken the liberty of including a new example. Also, Iím still trying to justify having spent $800 last year on a digital camcorder that I never use.

Here's a picture of me demonstrating a zest for life. Inset: Godzilla.


Sometimes I wake up in the morning and Iím just like, ďWhat the hell kind of dream was that? Am I really stupid enough to have thought of that?Ē My dreams make David Lynchís movies seem like an abridged version of Dick and Jane, and I can never figure out what the hell is going on in them. Itís frustrating, because there I am trying to get a decent nightís sleep, and all of a sudden I start seeing insane images of people I know occupying bizarre, surreal settings, and everyoneís talking in retarded riddles. ďGo not to the cave, Eric! Heed the words that were written in stone!Ē In the dream, these things all make sense to me, but then when I wake up, Iím confused as hell. Itís like, wait a minute, wasnít I flying around in a police car with TVís ALF? Then how the hell did I end up in what appeared to be a castle/factory hybrid looking for stolen jewels? And why do I always get violently murdered at the end of my dreams by a darker, twisted version of myself, only to wake up in a cold sweat with a pounding headache?

You know, dreams wouldnít be so bad if you got to choose what you dreamt about, but you really donít. Itís not like Iím laying down on the bed before I go to sleep and thinking, ďOK, tonight Iím going to dream about bowling with a talking metal penguin and my 8th grade algebra teacher, only instead of using bowling balls, we use dictionaries. Oh, and weíre in outer space.Ē Yet, sure enough, thereís the talking metallic penguin and Mrs. Miller, and weíre bowling with dictionaries in outer space. Call me crazy, but I think that I should have control over my subconscious.

Also, I demand to know who came up with dreams in the first place. I want to know who said, ďAlright, letís have the subconscious take a bunch of fragmented ideas, choppily edit them together, toss in some random characters from oneís past, and then let people watch that while theyíre sleeping.Ē I mean, itís not like dreams mean anything. A lot of people like to sit there saying, ďOK, letís see, the Jello represented my struggle battling adversity, while the cast of UPNís Moesha was a metaphor for--Ē No, Iím sorry, thereís no meaning to any of that nonsense. And if there is meaning to it, it must be some kind of dumb, ridiculous meaning that doesnít make any sense. To be perfectly frank, I donít have time for that.